I have spent the last week home alone. Its been pretty sweet; I work a heck of a lot and when I get home I get to indulge my “single girl in her own house” fantasy. The best thing about this fantasy is that I don’t actually have to pay for anything; rates, mortgage ect and I get to try out recipes on myself.
The bad thing about living by myself/ yourself, as it turns out, is that you are probably
malnourished and afraid :
Malnourished because, lets be honest, when when you work at a wood fire pizza restaurant, why would you go out and buy “fruit” or “vegetables”
As far as I am concerned a Pizza contains all my food groups:
Dairy ~ Quattro formaggi pizza ( FOUR cheeses how much more dairy do you want??)
Protein ~ Meat lovers OR Mexican bean
Carbohydrates ~ beautiful crispy pizza base
Fruits/ Vegetables ~ I’am pretty sure tomatoes are both fruit AND Vegetable since any smart ass will tell you they are a fruit. But! Safeway still puts them in the vegetable section and Safeway is the boss.
and Afraid because, well, most nights I watch Sex and the City or Gossip girl till ungodly hours, after I am satisfied, I turn off the t.v and have a shower.
Now, you know that movie “physco” imagine this....
I get in the shower and pull the screen across (I don’t actually have a plastic screen to pull across but.. indulge me) and the c.d player in my mind starts playing the theme music
DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN! DUNNNNNN!!!!! DUNDUNDUN DOMMMMMMMM!!!!
I wash up quickly and run straight from the shower,
up the hall,
jump in the bed
and hide under my covers until morning.
The other night I was under my covers and I could hear the floor boards creak down the hall, again and again. And under my covers I reached out my hand to “the other side of the bed”
and it was cold.
Cold.
And it was scary.
Those creaking noises were DEFIANTLY a sadistic, Italian, STD infested rapist walking down the hall. So, literally, for 3 hours I breathed quietly; too scared to go to sleep because BAMB! as soon as I let my guard down I knew he would ATTACK!
When I reached across the bed to that cold abyss on the other side ~ it was just, if not MORE, scary then the rapist waiting and watching for me to fall asleep. It was So COLD and I forgot how much I loved someone being there.
Even if they snore, are cover hogs, think that they don't have to wear pyjamas, sleep talk, sleep walk, sleep TOO close, breath in your ear ect ect
(It should be noted that I have been known to do ALL of these things ~ what can I say? I am a hypocrite :) )
Besides being Cold and Alone
I have a public service announcement:
~ Everybody Loves Raymond is NOT funny!
It's sexist and stereotypical and demeaning to men, women, children, elderly and mothers in law everywhere
I propose an international ban followed by a
“DeRamondisation”
(similar to “DeStalinisation” except we keep NOTHING)
A trip to America will be organised and the believers shall help me be rid of the cast of this horrific show.
Ray Barone
- Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.
- He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story is; don't eat when you're naked.
- That's the rule of marriage. A spouse automatically has the right to know that you deflowered a woman in front of your entire apartment building.
- It's a little hard to hug someone who chooses once a month to rip into you like a monkey on a cupcake!
- Hey Robert, don't look now, I think that woman is giving you the eye... wait, no, it's the finger.
- Great, I finally have sex and I'm not even there!
- You know dad, you're not obligated to come to these games... or talk to me.
- The only reason Debra keeps me alive is to open jars and kill bugs.
- Whatever my wife touches falls off, so you can imagine how worried I am.
- Robert don't listen to him, he pees in the yard.
- I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.
- You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.
- You will do anything to avoid having sex with me!
- You've broadened the definition of the term "boogie" to include staying at home by yourself eating Wheat Thins?
- [after Robert takes off his shoes in Ray's car] We must have hit a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk.
- Devil thy name is women.
- [after Debra got a boob job] I will give everyone one thousand dollars to leave RIGHT NOW.
BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
jokes!
I guess I'll go slash my wrists now.....
Peace out lovelies
and a special kiss to the girl who has me in her favourites....she's in mine ;)
Bridie Pearl
xoxox
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