Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

MEOW at the night Cat........

So last night I went out. It started out as a crappy night: 

~I came home from a crappy night at work at 9 (there was a trainee waitress that was MY responsibility and made my life hell)

~My Granny is visiting from Rosebud for the first time in 3months and so she had to make up for lost time and criticise EVERY aspect of my life and praise every part of my Brothers

~My Mother was quietly and maliciously dropping hints that I should 

“STAY AT HOME AND GO TO BED FOR GODS SAKE!”

~and my Brother had used up all the internet from playing World of Warcraft

When I got on the tram at 10:20 last night I was in desperate need of a stiff drink. So I met my friend Latoya (who after a “dare” hooked up with a lesbian from her work has been unable to shake the advances of the 29 year old since) and we went for a drink.

Now, we went for a drink because our original destination was the Perseverance hotel - I’ve spoken about it before; a dirty dirty place, with dirty dirty men and usually a guaranteed make out. To rock up at such a dirty establishment sober is a HORRIBLE idea so we had delightful pre drinks down the road.....

~CUT 1 HOUR TO THE FUTURE~

We eventually rocked up at Perseverance to be told that, as it looked, we would be waiting in the queue for at least an hour and a half. So instead we trudged through the the cold rain of a Melbournian summer evening (I could imagine my Mother laughing, warm, at home while in her bed that i had got my just deserts for going out in the rain and Latoya wisely noted that “You can fight and win with your Mother but you can never win against Mother fucking Nature”). We arrived at the Night Cat and waited in line. In front of us were two Bolivian men and behind us were an English couple and an Irish couple (who described themselves as “friends who had sex sometimes, more than a couple”)

So basically the Irish man spent the 20 minutes in the queue taking the piss out of the Bolivian men geographically 

Example:

Irish man: your from Bolivia? thats right near Vietnam right?

Bolivian:No, its in South America

Irish man: South America, yeah I know that place! its the capital of China

Bolivian:NO, NO China is in Asia, so is Vietnam

Irish man:No, I’m pretty sure that Asia is in Europe somewhere..... don’t you study geography in Bolivia, I had a girlfriend once (she was grand in bed) who came from Germany.....Asians have a good reputation in the sack, eh? *wink

Bolivian: GERMANY. IS. NOT. IN. ASIA!!! ASIA. IS. A. CONTINENT!!!!, SO. IS. EUROPE!!!

So we got in and it was pretty good, we proceeded to stand in line for the women's bathroom for 25 minutes which was pretty SUCKY considering men were going in and out of the mens toilet at the speed of light. But the night turned up - it was a Salsa club, so instead of the usual grinding there were actually people properly dancing and there was a live band .... an actual band with a brass section and a beautiful African man playing the bongo drums. 

Latoya, who was MAJORLY pissed off with the Irish man in the queue, ended up making out with him - hehehee. I on the other hand I had a 

“Knight in shining amour moment” 

after fleeing the advances of a HORD of Middle Eastern / Indian men who seem to think that girls who are “pudgy” are EASY because they don’t get that much attention from anyone else, I literally fell into the arms of a lovely man called Chris.

O.k, so i’m not even going to bother giving Chris a fake name because a) EVERY ONE knows a guy called Chris and b) even if by chance I ever meet Chris again, who can say that there weren’t two Chris’ at the Night Cat last night who I hooked up with?

Anywho, so I fell into Chris’ beautiful arms and introduced myself as “Heidi”. Yeah, it sounds dumb, but when your in a LOUD club and yelling your name into someones ear you would be surprised how many times “Bridie” turns into “Heidi”......so its easier just to bypass the 

“no, my name is BRIDE- EEE”,

”WHAT??”,

”BRIDE-EE!!”

and go straight to “Heidi”

And you know what the problem was with Chris?

He was just my type (= tallish skinny white boy with longish hair and a European look about him)

He seemed like a nice guy who actually danced with me 

He told me a joke 

and best of all his tongue did not leave the confines of his mouth :P

So what was the problem??? I hear you yell telepathically 

I have come to the hypothesis that:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOOD HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TOO!!!

I mean seriously, think about it:

kissing, is one of the most disgusting things that we like to do. At its most basic level its simply an exchange of saliva so unless you actually KNOW the person and LIKE the person thats all it can be. So, as much as his hand at the nape of my neck was LOVELY and his smile afterwards was GLOWING ~  I had this overwhelming feeling of “MEH”

OHHH WELL, I plan to do MUCH MORE research before this hypothesis can be confirmed. 

Also, I would like to say sorry, for 3 weeks of being completely self obsessed. I know I am a very interesting creature but the problem about looking inward and trying to find the things that I like about myself and what others like about me  is that you can't look inward and outward at the same time. I forgot about everyone else's problems and how important that they are too.

 In an effort to start remedying my behaviour I went out with my Fathers girlfriend on the weekend to an auction. 

I went with $50 and came back with 80 packets of playing cards.

So i have been brainstorming ideas about what to do with 4160 individual cards

Thus far I have come up with

a) giving them out as christmas presents for the next 20 years

b) playing a never ending game of go-fish

c) wallpapering my room in playing cards

and d (my personal favourite)

creating a "card dress" to wear out

any other ideas would be appreciated

and a special hello to my readers from Denmark, Netherlands, America and Colombia!!! (Yes, I can see the different countries that read my blog)

xoxox

Peace out

Bridie

A man's kiss is his signature. ~Mae West

Hello,

The perseverance hotel is my “Joint” simply because there are a heck of allot of boys, 

(Note, observant reader, that i DON’T say men. I am not sure when it happens but unlike girls who seem to mature slowly with time, a boy is either mature or a testosterone fueled idiot with too much confidence and usually pumped with alcohol.)

The positive attributes about this are - they are my age, like me are up for a “hook up” or “a session” or whatever you want to call it and you can take what nameless lips you can get and you never have to talk to them - this however means a few things

a)You don’t know what your going to get!! a friend of mine recently described her experience as if 

“he was trying to suck my tongue out of my mouth” 

- Though i think it is a bit harsh to say “ALL boys MUST be GREAT kissers” i don’t think it is so much to ask that you don’t feel like your being mouth raped.

b)It’s totally akws if you see them again. This, i think, can be split into a few categories depending on the scenario, but:

- you may or may not have given them your number and you never answered their call, 

- like me, may have given the “reject number” 

- don’t remember their name, 

- don’t remember making out with them, 

- don’t WANT to remember making out with them ect ect

So i did two VERY sad things the other day (Friday to be exact):

I had a horrible “hook up” - the man shall hence forth be named “Saliva man” - there was nothing wrong with him...... a little short.......AMAZING ARMS (you know the ones that stretch the arm fabric of a t-shirt just a little)

Anywho, Saliva man was a good dancer, he was doing the “awkward hand on my hip” 

kind-o-thing and after this lead up we kissed and

 HE DUMPED a LITER of saliva in my mouth... i literally had to walk to the toilet and

SPIT. IT. OUT.

ew. 

Saliva man tried to dance with me a little more after that and i think (in my semi inebriated state) i told him i was gay.......it wasn’t the most convincing line i have ever come out with (considering i had just kissed him and all) but it did the job.

I watched him for the rest of the night though (mainly observing his friend who, had man boobs the size of which would make even Dolly Parton's "girls" jealous) I watched girls lock lips with Saliva man and LOVE IT!!

I heard one girl say loudly to her friend

"O. M. G. he has an AMAZING tongue" - maybe i should add that this girl, not only had the skin that resembled an Oompa Loompa but she had fake eyelashes with tiny crystals at the end and nails with little pictures on them (It dosn't have bearing on anything i just thought you should know)

Anyway, this happened a few times (Saliva boy got around) and every girl came away looking impressed and all i could think was 

WHAT THE FUNK??

Is this OK this TONGUE / SALVA BUSINESS?

I was mentally scared by this kiss and these other girls looking like they had just had the "session" of their lives.

Have i missed something, honestly?

Secondly due to the experience, I bought a bottle of Listerine (you know those 800ml mothers). 

Do you ever have those moments (like mine with Saliva man) when you realise your mouth is WET and it is not WET because of your OWN saliva, more often than not it is wet with someone ESLES salvia? 

There is a sudden AWARENESS 

and TASTE of 

SOMEONE ESLSES saliva 

in YOUR MOUTH 

and you just want to vomit. 

Added to this, there is a very sick reoccurring thought that I read once on the back of a toilet door, it said:

“the saliva in your mouth stays there for two weeks, so when you kiss someone, you are kissing every person they have kissed in the last two weeks”

.gross.

Anyone else have a horrible hook up story that ended up improving there sense of personal hygiene they would like to share please do alternatively tell me if you are into "The Tongue"

peace out

Bridie

XOXOX