Dearies,
I unfortunately/happily, am still treading a straight and narrow line here for a while, so to deflect from my past posts and and in leu of random hook up stories i shall talk about other peoples weird and wonderful relationships.
WARNING: This is a true story from my work and is disturbing:
One night this couple came in, the man arrived first, obviously straight from work with his suit, tie and swipe card still hanging around his neck. He was morbidly obese; so much so that he had to turn sideways to fit through the door.
His girlfriend, a small mousey looking woman, not unattractive, arrived soon after.
The meal went pleasantly as far as i could tell, the man had to eat over his ginormous stomach that wobbled horrifically as he shuffled his chair in and out to get more comfortable .
The couple had just finished their meal and I came over to see if they would like a dessert
“yes!” the woman said keenly “i would like the flan de queso with extra cream and extra ice cream”
With this, the Jubba the Hut of a man frowned lent over the table and covered his girlfriends hand with his own,
“I’ve been meaning to tell you hunny, i think you’ve been getting a bit pudgy.”
There was an uncomfortable silence before the woman stuttered with an embarrassed smile
“don’t worry about the extra cream.....or ice cream, actually, you know what?, I’m not hungry”
The boyfriend butted in “I, will have the fan de queso with extra cream thanks, oh, and a bottle of Champagne, just the cheapest one”
I brought over the desert and Champagne and watched the woman sip at her water and gaze at the thing across from her gobble up the flan like it had never seen food before. After it finished it seemed to be having what looked like a fit; its body was contracting, its face looked purple with effort and it was pushing the chair out from underneath itself. The heinous slab of flesh looked to be collapsing under its own weight, i could only stare in horror at the scene which turned out to simply being the man attempting to get on one knee. After the struggle to reach into his pocket he pulled out a small velvet box and flipped it open; inside a ring. The woman squealed prematurely in delight and anticipation
“Marry me, Rachael Anne McConnel” it said, its hands where shaking and the shivering was sending ripples to his double chin which was wobbling furiously. The reply was in the form of a scream and she got on to it’s knee and they kissed.
I felt the sudden impulse to castrate him before his disgusting spawn had a chance to populate the earth, but i didn’t have a chance, the happy couple paid the bill and left, not before the creature gave me a slimy smile and left me a 15 cent tip.
I would hope that a true friend would get me out of a relationship like that or kill me.
If you know a girl who just got married called "Rachael Anne McConnell" or understand the feeling of having to turn sideways o fit through a door tell me about it or have any relationship advice in general
Peace out
Bridie
No comments:
Post a Comment