A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails ~ Donna Roberts

I’am not happy at the moment and the worst thing about the situation is i can’t quite put my finger on what it is thats making me feel like two week old road kill. In a usual situation I would identify the problem and remove it but I realised today that the problem is myself....

and i can’t quite remove myself, now can I?

So I am going to try and describe my feelings, in a way that HOPEFULLY will be amusing for you and beneficial for me. So here it goes...

A) FEMINIST

I would like to think of myself as a feminist, not a hard core

 “lets kill all men”

but someone who believes in becoming a strong woman and equality; socially, politically, ect ect

So I was ANGRY / SAD the other day when a boy that I know was unable to meet me because he had to work. I wasn’t angry / sad at him - logically I know its got nothing to do with him, people have to work, things come up, plans change ect ect

BUT the feminist inside me was ANGRY / SAD that I was letting my emotions be influenced by a man! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN, I have a JOB, I earn my own MONEY, I have great FRIENDS, amazing FAMILY, I travelled EUROPE BY MYSELF and I was angry that I let myself be saddened because I was looking forward to it.

So this is where I go Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I was sad because I NEVER EVER want to be “that girl” the one that pines and waits and can’t function properly when they are away from there boyfriend - its FREAK’N ridiculous. I want to have “my own life” before I have to share part of it with someone else; have my own things going on, interests friends ect ect

So my Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde conversation goes something like:

Jekyll: I am so sad, woe is me, I have been brushed aside for work

Hyde: For gods sake, get a life Woman! if you HAD to work you would do the same to him!

Jekyll: but now I am alone in my house watching “how I met your mother” and eating tim tams 

Hyde: So pick yourself up and go down to Lygon street and get a hot chocolate

Jekyll: but it’s too hot for hot chocolate

Hyde: well, get an ice cream and stop wallowing!!

Jekyll: *sigh* fine.....but I’m still miserable!!

Hyde: *palm face

And, I did get an ice cream!! and i had a lovely summer night walk down Lygon street and listened to some music and thought about some stuff and got eaten alive my mosquitos and ....yeah, it was a delightful evening.

B) RAGS 

The normal sadness that comes along when its “that time of the month”

and you feel sad, depressed, angry, sore, touchy, emotional.....

C) MY 5 YEAR PLAN

Look, it sounds pathetic, but I had a five year plan. GO on LAUGH! but it was my protection from rejection, from lack of relationships from family, from myself. It was my safety net; every time something went wrong 1 would be able to say:

“ 1) its all going to be o.k

2) just follow the plan and you will achieve your goals and live the life you imagined”

but I figured out over the hast week that already my 5 year plan is going to the dogs 

the plan was to:

-go on exchange for a year

-finish my degree

-do my masters

-move overseas

Now, however, there are lots of “what if’s”, like:

“what if i can’t bare to leave my friends?”

“what if i have a job that i really enjoy?”

"what if i’m in a relationship and don’t want to leave someone for a whole year?”

"what if i don't want to leave my family again?"

Now, I would like to think that no body that really loved me would truly forget about me after a year, but at the same time “what if?”

I have to ask myself if my long term goals are worth destroying my short term ones 

or if my immediate happiness is something I should be constantly striving for because who knows if my 5 year plan will end if happiness anyway?

and all of these together

led me saying quite a few things to a few different people~

I said things I didn’t mean

and

meant things I didn’t say

so, then I did say them

and I regret them

but if i hadn’t said them I would have been just as upset

so yeah, confusion.......... SO, I will turn my attention to a more 

auspicious topic:

My parents got Foxtel last week and so I wrote this post while watching it. You know what I love about Foxtel? Before, I had 7 or so channels of crap to flick through incessantly for hours and now I have hundreds of channels of crap to flick through!!

So, now I get home from work and instead of having to watch sex infomercials I have a myriad of stimulating series to pique my interest:

~The real housewives of America: a rather devious title since the housewives have had SO much plastic surgery they can hardly be called "real" in any sense of the word

~The Jerry Springer show: the shows scenarios can vary in formula but always have the same result (*see key)

*a + b + c = x ^ y

*a + b + c + d = x ^ y

*a + b + c + d + e = x ^ y

a = current boyfriend

b = current girlfriend

c = ex boyfriend / girlfriend (may or may not be fresh from jail)

d = lover (may or may not be related)

e = illegitimate child by the ex boyfriend/ girlfriend

x = a choreographed fist fight

^y = the crowd chanting hypnotically and clapping "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

~ Teenage mums: well pretty self explanatory, but not because these girls have babies, just because they are so willing to palm off their problems off onto everyone else in their lives. Its sad that not even being a mother has instilled a sense of responsibility or maturity on teenage parents.....oh well

Watching shows on Foxtel reminds me how BRILLIANT my life is and the pros of being single are exemplified after considering

~ The real housewives of America

~ Jerry Springer

~ Teenage mums

Is your life as great as mine? or are you living in the metaphorical shoes of Foxtel characters from mini series?

Peace out

Bridie

xoxox