Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander

MEOW at the night Cat........

So last night I went out. It started out as a crappy night: 

~I came home from a crappy night at work at 9 (there was a trainee waitress that was MY responsibility and made my life hell)

~My Granny is visiting from Rosebud for the first time in 3months and so she had to make up for lost time and criticise EVERY aspect of my life and praise every part of my Brothers

~My Mother was quietly and maliciously dropping hints that I should 

“STAY AT HOME AND GO TO BED FOR GODS SAKE!”

~and my Brother had used up all the internet from playing World of Warcraft

When I got on the tram at 10:20 last night I was in desperate need of a stiff drink. So I met my friend Latoya (who after a “dare” hooked up with a lesbian from her work has been unable to shake the advances of the 29 year old since) and we went for a drink.

Now, we went for a drink because our original destination was the Perseverance hotel - I’ve spoken about it before; a dirty dirty place, with dirty dirty men and usually a guaranteed make out. To rock up at such a dirty establishment sober is a HORRIBLE idea so we had delightful pre drinks down the road.....

~CUT 1 HOUR TO THE FUTURE~

We eventually rocked up at Perseverance to be told that, as it looked, we would be waiting in the queue for at least an hour and a half. So instead we trudged through the the cold rain of a Melbournian summer evening (I could imagine my Mother laughing, warm, at home while in her bed that i had got my just deserts for going out in the rain and Latoya wisely noted that “You can fight and win with your Mother but you can never win against Mother fucking Nature”). We arrived at the Night Cat and waited in line. In front of us were two Bolivian men and behind us were an English couple and an Irish couple (who described themselves as “friends who had sex sometimes, more than a couple”)

So basically the Irish man spent the 20 minutes in the queue taking the piss out of the Bolivian men geographically 

Example:

Irish man: your from Bolivia? thats right near Vietnam right?

Bolivian:No, its in South America

Irish man: South America, yeah I know that place! its the capital of China

Bolivian:NO, NO China is in Asia, so is Vietnam

Irish man:No, I’m pretty sure that Asia is in Europe somewhere..... don’t you study geography in Bolivia, I had a girlfriend once (she was grand in bed) who came from Germany.....Asians have a good reputation in the sack, eh? *wink

Bolivian: GERMANY. IS. NOT. IN. ASIA!!! ASIA. IS. A. CONTINENT!!!!, SO. IS. EUROPE!!!

So we got in and it was pretty good, we proceeded to stand in line for the women's bathroom for 25 minutes which was pretty SUCKY considering men were going in and out of the mens toilet at the speed of light. But the night turned up - it was a Salsa club, so instead of the usual grinding there were actually people properly dancing and there was a live band .... an actual band with a brass section and a beautiful African man playing the bongo drums. 

Latoya, who was MAJORLY pissed off with the Irish man in the queue, ended up making out with him - hehehee. I on the other hand I had a 

“Knight in shining amour moment” 

after fleeing the advances of a HORD of Middle Eastern / Indian men who seem to think that girls who are “pudgy” are EASY because they don’t get that much attention from anyone else, I literally fell into the arms of a lovely man called Chris.

O.k, so i’m not even going to bother giving Chris a fake name because a) EVERY ONE knows a guy called Chris and b) even if by chance I ever meet Chris again, who can say that there weren’t two Chris’ at the Night Cat last night who I hooked up with?

Anywho, so I fell into Chris’ beautiful arms and introduced myself as “Heidi”. Yeah, it sounds dumb, but when your in a LOUD club and yelling your name into someones ear you would be surprised how many times “Bridie” turns into “Heidi”......so its easier just to bypass the 

“no, my name is BRIDE- EEE”,

”WHAT??”,

”BRIDE-EE!!”

and go straight to “Heidi”

And you know what the problem was with Chris?

He was just my type (= tallish skinny white boy with longish hair and a European look about him)

He seemed like a nice guy who actually danced with me 

He told me a joke 

and best of all his tongue did not leave the confines of his mouth :P

So what was the problem??? I hear you yell telepathically 

I have come to the hypothesis that:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOOD HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION TOO!!!

I mean seriously, think about it:

kissing, is one of the most disgusting things that we like to do. At its most basic level its simply an exchange of saliva so unless you actually KNOW the person and LIKE the person thats all it can be. So, as much as his hand at the nape of my neck was LOVELY and his smile afterwards was GLOWING ~  I had this overwhelming feeling of “MEH”

OHHH WELL, I plan to do MUCH MORE research before this hypothesis can be confirmed. 

Also, I would like to say sorry, for 3 weeks of being completely self obsessed. I know I am a very interesting creature but the problem about looking inward and trying to find the things that I like about myself and what others like about me  is that you can't look inward and outward at the same time. I forgot about everyone else's problems and how important that they are too.

 In an effort to start remedying my behaviour I went out with my Fathers girlfriend on the weekend to an auction. 

I went with $50 and came back with 80 packets of playing cards.

So i have been brainstorming ideas about what to do with 4160 individual cards

Thus far I have come up with

a) giving them out as christmas presents for the next 20 years

b) playing a never ending game of go-fish

c) wallpapering my room in playing cards

and d (my personal favourite)

creating a "card dress" to wear out

any other ideas would be appreciated

and a special hello to my readers from Denmark, Netherlands, America and Colombia!!! (Yes, I can see the different countries that read my blog)

xoxox

Peace out

Bridie

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails ~ Donna Roberts

I’am not happy at the moment and the worst thing about the situation is i can’t quite put my finger on what it is thats making me feel like two week old road kill. In a usual situation I would identify the problem and remove it but I realised today that the problem is myself....

and i can’t quite remove myself, now can I?

So I am going to try and describe my feelings, in a way that HOPEFULLY will be amusing for you and beneficial for me. So here it goes...

A) FEMINIST

I would like to think of myself as a feminist, not a hard core

 “lets kill all men”

but someone who believes in becoming a strong woman and equality; socially, politically, ect ect

So I was ANGRY / SAD the other day when a boy that I know was unable to meet me because he had to work. I wasn’t angry / sad at him - logically I know its got nothing to do with him, people have to work, things come up, plans change ect ect

BUT the feminist inside me was ANGRY / SAD that I was letting my emotions be influenced by a man! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN, I have a JOB, I earn my own MONEY, I have great FRIENDS, amazing FAMILY, I travelled EUROPE BY MYSELF and I was angry that I let myself be saddened because I was looking forward to it.

So this is where I go Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I was sad because I NEVER EVER want to be “that girl” the one that pines and waits and can’t function properly when they are away from there boyfriend - its FREAK’N ridiculous. I want to have “my own life” before I have to share part of it with someone else; have my own things going on, interests friends ect ect

So my Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde conversation goes something like:

Jekyll: I am so sad, woe is me, I have been brushed aside for work

Hyde: For gods sake, get a life Woman! if you HAD to work you would do the same to him!

Jekyll: but now I am alone in my house watching “how I met your mother” and eating tim tams 

Hyde: So pick yourself up and go down to Lygon street and get a hot chocolate

Jekyll: but it’s too hot for hot chocolate

Hyde: well, get an ice cream and stop wallowing!!

Jekyll: *sigh* fine.....but I’m still miserable!!

Hyde: *palm face

And, I did get an ice cream!! and i had a lovely summer night walk down Lygon street and listened to some music and thought about some stuff and got eaten alive my mosquitos and ....yeah, it was a delightful evening.

B) RAGS 

The normal sadness that comes along when its “that time of the month”

and you feel sad, depressed, angry, sore, touchy, emotional.....

C) MY 5 YEAR PLAN

Look, it sounds pathetic, but I had a five year plan. GO on LAUGH! but it was my protection from rejection, from lack of relationships from family, from myself. It was my safety net; every time something went wrong 1 would be able to say:

“ 1) its all going to be o.k

2) just follow the plan and you will achieve your goals and live the life you imagined”

but I figured out over the hast week that already my 5 year plan is going to the dogs 

the plan was to:

-go on exchange for a year

-finish my degree

-do my masters

-move overseas

Now, however, there are lots of “what if’s”, like:

“what if i can’t bare to leave my friends?”

“what if i have a job that i really enjoy?”

"what if i’m in a relationship and don’t want to leave someone for a whole year?”

"what if i don't want to leave my family again?"

Now, I would like to think that no body that really loved me would truly forget about me after a year, but at the same time “what if?”

I have to ask myself if my long term goals are worth destroying my short term ones 

or if my immediate happiness is something I should be constantly striving for because who knows if my 5 year plan will end if happiness anyway?

and all of these together

led me saying quite a few things to a few different people~

I said things I didn’t mean

and

meant things I didn’t say

so, then I did say them

and I regret them

but if i hadn’t said them I would have been just as upset

so yeah, confusion.......... SO, I will turn my attention to a more 

auspicious topic:

My parents got Foxtel last week and so I wrote this post while watching it. You know what I love about Foxtel? Before, I had 7 or so channels of crap to flick through incessantly for hours and now I have hundreds of channels of crap to flick through!!

So, now I get home from work and instead of having to watch sex infomercials I have a myriad of stimulating series to pique my interest:

~The real housewives of America: a rather devious title since the housewives have had SO much plastic surgery they can hardly be called "real" in any sense of the word

~The Jerry Springer show: the shows scenarios can vary in formula but always have the same result (*see key)

*a + b + c = x ^ y

*a + b + c + d = x ^ y

*a + b + c + d + e = x ^ y

a = current boyfriend

b = current girlfriend

c = ex boyfriend / girlfriend (may or may not be fresh from jail)

d = lover (may or may not be related)

e = illegitimate child by the ex boyfriend/ girlfriend

x = a choreographed fist fight

^y = the crowd chanting hypnotically and clapping "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

~ Teenage mums: well pretty self explanatory, but not because these girls have babies, just because they are so willing to palm off their problems off onto everyone else in their lives. Its sad that not even being a mother has instilled a sense of responsibility or maturity on teenage parents.....oh well

Watching shows on Foxtel reminds me how BRILLIANT my life is and the pros of being single are exemplified after considering

~ The real housewives of America

~ Jerry Springer

~ Teenage mums

Is your life as great as mine? or are you living in the metaphorical shoes of Foxtel characters from mini series?

Peace out

Bridie

xoxox

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. ~ Sylvia Plath

LIFE LESSONS

o.k so I think I’ve been taught some lessons over the last few weeks, knowledge that I feel should be imparted to my fellow bloggers: 

Mates before dates, bros before hoes, chicks before dicks ect ect

So, as much as what your friends have to say may be rude, unnecessary, cruel and exactly what you don’t want to hear, actually....

lets do one of those out of body things:

sit down or lay in a comfortable place and close your eyes...........

*soothing music* 

yessss thats the way

now, imagine your soul or whatever you believe to be residing in you body and envision it floating out of your body and into the sky

look at your situation from outside you body

see all the people involved

yourself

their actions

your actions 

what is said

what is done

and see that even though you want to take your friends put them in a large cage and suspend them over a large bubbling pot of sewage they may just be right.

Consider that these people see what you can only see through creepy meditation techniques and that maybe their ability to tell you things that only they can is what makes them your friends in the first place.

As well as this, men and/or women (depending on your sexual orientation) 

 will come and go but friends will stay....willingly.....and in the mean time get Masters in “(insert your name here)’s relationships” They will see your patterns, your type, your crushes and your whims. So when they say something, its more like an educated guess from years of study, practical work, assignments, group projects all adding up to one ENORMOUS thesis that makes them know you better than you know yourself.

So, even though, maybe its not what you want to hear or makes you want to cry yourself to sleep for the next 20 years MAYBE, JUST MAYBE its true.

Everything is easier in foresight

OOHHHHHH! how freak’n easy is it to say

“I didn’t know what I thinking”

or 

“I was over reacting”

But at that time 

IT WAS THE BIGGEST DEAL OF THAT MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE!!

And trivialising it is undervaluing to yourself.

I’am valuable

It’s easy to make it all about someone else sometimes, giving them all time to figure things out, waiting for a call ect ect

But you know what?

~Even though I’m not PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE
~Iam fat -ISH

~I have COMMITMENT ISSUES

~I eat CEREAL for LUNCH (and dinner if i’m home alone)

~On my days off I play THE BEATLES and LED ZEPPIN over the loud speakers and air guitar like a pro

~I WHISTLE and SKIP and HUM

~I love TAROT CARDS and I read my HOROSCOPE 

(whether i believe them is a different story)

~I SING ALOUD to songs on my I-POD

~and I’am currently in possession of a ONE WAY TICKET to France for August next year

That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be CHACED and WOOED and MADE TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL and BE ADMIRED and CHERISHED and LAUGHED WITH. 

I realised that being LED ON or not given ALL THOSE THINGS is not o.k.

Set the lone socks free!!

In my room I have a bag of lone socks. Its a massive bag. I have NO IDEA where their pairs have gone but at the moment i have at least 30 single socks.

SO, laugh at me if you will, but I can’t chuck them out; I feel as if these socks are an analogy for my life and if I throw them out I’m just helping society fuel stereotypes against single people. What is wrong with odd socks? 

I keep my unpaired socks not out of pity, or cheapness (i CAN AFFORD socks if I WANTED TOO!! jesus....) but out of single peoples solidarity ........ 

some people burn bras I wear odd socks.

To sign off -

It doesn’t matter how great a guy is I’M A GREAT GIRL TOO! and I will wear my odd socks with pride and I have great taste in music and some great friends who have valuable advice.... will i listen to it next time? probably not.....

Love, peace, happiness always

Bridie

xoxoxo

“The more you act like a lady, the more he'll act like a gentleman.” ~ Sydney Biddle Barrows

Hey all,


I have become painfully aware of how this blog makes me look. The pride filled / self conscious Leo in me, which I put to sleep with large amounts of sedatives before writing this blog has awoken teeth bared and claws ready to gouge eyes. 

So this weeks topic shall be GENTLEMEN
I have come to report that gallantry is not dead!!
Every girl likes a bad boy, a diamond in the rough, an untamed stallion ect ect
and heres why:

(James Dean- Image of an original bad boy)

 1) To be a hero, chase the bad guy, and save the girl, you have to have what it takes; manly characteristics, resourcefulness, and a willingness to do whatever it takes, even break a few laws. Heroes act before thinking, exactly what bad boys are known for.

 2) Good girls live under a heavy burden of expectations, always doing the right thing, saying the right thing and being pleasing. It's nice to simply not care and relax. 

Basically, bad boys are equivalent to a full body massage and few shots of tequila.

3) Good girls are pleasers and bad boys are takers, perfect example of opposites attract or yin and yang. Good girls have a natural instinct to give and nurture and not think twice about expecting anything back. The bad boy may also require a little extra nurturing, making her feel needed and wanted.

4) Good girls find the good in everyone and she finds the hurt little boy behind his bad boy facade. When she is with this guy, she is always thinking she will be the one to help him.

5) Bad boys tend to be better looking- they put more effort into their appearance because they need to compensate for the lack of inner beauty.

6) Bad boys are good at attracting an audience- they have all the right superficial characteristics (boyish, assertive, mysterious) that seem exciting and alluring for a quick pick-me-up.

7) Bad boys make women feel sexy, exciting, and free. 

8) Bad boys make their own rules and Good girls feel secretly confined by rules. Societal etiquette and the like, is horrible to a good girl and finding someone who lives by their own rules is liberating.

OK

So as much as this is all interesting, I’m not falling for it.

A Gentleman shows characteristics that bring out and nourish a woman's best characteristics. As much as bad boys are lovely, the satisfaction of being in the company of someone who opens a door for you or insists on a lady “going first” is unbelievable.

So what is “being a knight in shining armour / gentleman” ?

(Fred Astair, a Gentlemen)

Courage: today’s Knight in shining armour must have the courage of the heart necessary to undertake tasks which are difficult, tedious or unglamorous, and to graciously accept the sacrifices involved.
Mercy:creating a sense of peace and community, rather than engendering hostility and antagonism.

Generosity: Sharing what’s valuable in life means not just giving away material goods, but also time, attention, wisdom and energy

Faith: a knight in shining armor is always faithful to his or her promises, no matter how big or small they may be.
Nobility: the importance of upholding one’s convictions at all times, especially when no one else is watching.
Hope: positive outlook and cheerful demeanour — the shining armor that shields him or her, and inspires people all around.


I am aware that this sounds like a ridiculously tall order, but i think that for gentlemen (and ladies) these characteristics are innate and like coolness you can't force it, it's just there.

AND THIS IS WHY I WLL TAKE A GENTLEMAN OVER A BAD BOY ANY DAY:

-a GENTLEMAN will make you feel special 

-a GENTLEMAN will make you feel respected

-a GENTLEMAN will be interested in your ideas and opinions

-a GENTLEMAN will chat with you

-a GENTLEMAN is hesitant and not ridiculously confident

On a completely different note

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS KETTLE!!! IMAGINE HOW MANY CUPS OF TEA YOU COULD HAVE WITH THIS MOTHER (12 to be exact)

goodbye tea lovers, post your favourite tea pots if it suits you

xoxox