When I decided it was time to write another blog entry this is the passage that came into my head to describe myself:
You know in ancient Greece when girls got their period and they were sent off to be married to some old pedophile, well, during their wedding there was a symbolic ceremony where by they would throw their childhood toys into a fire to symbolise leaving behind childhood and moving to womanhood. I feel like all of a sudden I’ve walked into the metaphorical “play room” of my mind where I kept my “toys” aka dreams; all the plans and hopes for the future, where I’ve kept them safe for years. So, I’ve walked into that room and found everything burnt and from the looks of the remains - it happened a long time ago, and I hadn’t even noticed.
The saddest most confronting part is that it doesn't scare or upset me - I can’t believe I could change so quickly, alter my plans, discard my dreams without a second thought and without even realising it.
I had this awesome Sex and the City / Lunch in Paris dream:
where I would have an awesome career, an amazing apartment in Paris where I would stroll to my favorite boulangerie. Whist I strolled, people would look at my divine clothes that I had due to my high paying job and lack of:
a) children
b) husband / significant other
and instead of one man I would have a few because I believed “you cant get everything from ONE person, each person in your life fulfills a different need” and I would have my friends - who would be the real loves of my life.
And I can’t express through a mere blog entry how I nurtured this dream, when life at home was shitty, when my love life was shitty, when I was completely alone in some god forsaken european hostel which was actually some families apartment. I told myself that no matter what was going wrong now that it was only TRANSITORY and the I would have the life that I dreamed. I treasured them and nurtured them and they were mine.
Maybe its a thought to consider that they was like braces
hang on, less like braces and more like......
training wheels!!
much better analogy.
training wheels
they are a temporary safety device until your ready to take on the big guns, to look after you when your fragile.
But at the same time I don’t want to undervalue my dreams and aspirations - its not like '
“I’m letting them go because now I am older and wiser and logical and rational and shit”
Its also possible that like the phoenix - new dreams, will rise from the burnt ones in my “metaphorical playroom” and already have.
awwww.... happy ending :)
but I would like to note that I don't think I would be able to forgive myself if I broke my golden rules.....the things that I spent the most time contemplating. If I look I will Defiantly find that they survived the fire and can be salvaged through the ashes - this will serve as a horrible to reminder to my 30 year old self one day....
1) I will NEVER be a housewife
2) I will (for an unspecified period of time) live overseas
as you can see the second point took a bit of a battering in the fire and lost some of its specifics like "France" and "Forever" but its pretty much intact.
To end, let me be the first to start a :
"OSAMA BIN LADEN CONSPIRACY"
THIS is a picture of my new kitten named Miette:
THIS is what was on television when I came home to find her watching it:
AND THIS is/ was Osama Bin Laden:
Coincidence..... I think NOT
Peace out
BP
xoxox
